A few rambly ponderings 9 months on....

A happy day yesterday of being a dolphin at the beach with a dear friend, who threw a line in to no avail. Well, it was a divine crisp winters sunshiney day, to be knee deep in ocean, so that's an avail! 

Afters, I returned home and had some pondering, in authenticity. As I looked at the kitchen sink, with cat food tins awaiting rinsing, attracting vinegar flies and a general mycelium network growth. Feeling i didn't want the perpetration of inviting anyone to support, aka judge me, in assisting to tidy my own napalm kitchen mess, I had to leave them to their own devices for another day. Today I was fibro slow, and the fungi continued to spread n expand its messages of telegraphed connection...

I am 9 months down the track, wide and wobbly, back home. In Recovery from a fragmenting nervous breakdown. Aka in psychiatric jar label language, an acute psychotic episode. Don't be afeared, as this word can trigger peeps into. I hurt no one, suffered deeply, my reputation somewhat squooged, like a tin can breaking down in landfill, mayhap the damages will rust away into nothingness as I grow beyond....

The beauty in this world is healing n mending me.... 

This world where I choose to take pharma meds, kinda. Co-operating to avoid a community treatment order is an early lesson in mental health circles, it's called 'compliance'. It means I have a decently abundant 92 kilo body, BMI 36. Morbidly obese apparently (I don't feel morbid, except rarely) but some dignity remains intact. Worked hard for, in over 30 years of therapy, and insights gleaned like foragings.

Crazy / mad dignity seems to involve being camo normal at times. Invisible emotions preferred to disturbing screams of Mama Gaia n her sentient beings pain (fair call, with sacred silences n bird song more peacefull in the hood). Sores on my face due to picking nervously my concerns n some lack of showering aka swimming. Cos fav waters have been sick with catchment wash down. She's getting well again tho, and so am I!! YAY!!

I guess I am a bit feral, but the more love, and less pain, in my life the less unkempt I bee it seems. The broader my definitions of 'medicine'. The more loving up I can then pour into pot plant gardens and cottage :-) the ever present Mush-cat Elder. 25 this year. Our partner n ally in Recovery Miles. Friends n fam. Craftings. All of whom make my worlds go round...

As well as psychosis (megaphones (voices), claw bag (inner critic)) in remission to a land mostly far away (signs return under stressors like red flags, to nourish), I have several other nervous system based challenges. I would like this blog to be for those perhaps co traveling with some o these, so here goes with diagnoses listage! Ready, set, go! Egads...lets transmute! 

Schizo affective disorder, CPTSD, Fibromyalgia and HSP (Highly Sensitive Person: 40% or more sensory stimulus input from environments) mostly tho I'm a humung bean, above all else....an animal....bit planty (ain't we all, ancestors). Hopefully sentient. Hopefully not limited by these DSMV terms.....more witchy artsy ha!

I am currently immersed in decently deep study n learning embodiment and somatic practices based around feeling into sensations in one's body, rather than getting 'hooked' by narratives, story's and trauma tales. Combined with rest called for by the sensations of a dis-regulated nervous system, or simply brain n nerve pain. Gently, slowly I go with the flow. It can take one by surprise, after a kick ass spurt, how slow my flow calls to be these daze....you feeling me?! 

I am learning my sensitive soul tendencies manifestations echo some of these medical terms in a softer, more Dandelion seeds or Silk pod vine like way. Perhaps you too, are touched by suchnesses. Sometimes, my mentor Asia is passing on gently, and I am absorbing, remembering now, that we have a spectrum of texturally diverse experiences for wider self learnings, we know not why, till synchronicities reveal our paths of service to them.....